Last time I checked, I was a man. [No kidding, right?] Now, everyone who knows me knows that I don’t talk too much about myself. Not that I’m stingy with personal information or I wouldn’t wanna share it with anyone, no. It’s just that half the time the things that go on in my life are inconsequential – to me anyway – and the other half of the time it’s information that, to me, is a little too sensitive to broadcast all willy-nilly. But that’s only if we just met. Sometimes I think I run my mouth but only if I know you, as I’ve learned. All good though, I guess. Most of these reactions come involuntarily and I only wonder about them afterwards.
There are some things I do though that I always wonder about later on and never come up with a satisfactory conclusion as to why I do them. Not that I mean to divulge masculine secrets but ladies, y’all probably know all about them anyway. Keeping in mind that I’m somewhat the typical male, here are some of mine. Though some might be exclusive to me and some, I realize, are not much to brag about, if at all, I believe most are typically male.
- When I’m sleepy I scratch my belly, and I’m not exactly gentle either. It feels good though, go figure.
- I only seem to want to lotion parts of my body that are visible. [That drove my sisters crazy]
- I intensely dislike boxers with a ‘pee-pee slit’ that’s too small. If you gotta go you gotta go; no time to waste trying to pull stuff out.
- Dust is invisible. The only dust noticeable is what’s on my monitor. After all, that’s the 2nd thing I look at all the time, and women aren’t dusty.
- I constantly have to remind myself that even though a girl smiles at me she really might hate my guts.
- There’s something comforting about grabbing the crotch. [I know I’ll catch heat from my sisters for this one] It’s not that I do it all the time. Shoot, it could be a couple of times a day in the comfort of my own house but it just happens. I could be watching TV or talking on the phone and I’d do it without thinking about it.
*My little cousin who’s 7 does it too. It’s not like he learned it from me coz I don’t do it in public, no. That type of readjustment is in the genes ladies; get used to it. Sorry.*
- Spitting-nasty habit. Thank God I don’t do it. Did you know when spit hits the ground it eventually vaporizes and becomes part of everyday air? Nasty.
- Yes, I like my eyebrows untrimmed. Think of it as Samson getting a haircut – won’t do it.
- I’m hopelessly attracted to tomboys. Maybe that’s not the right word, but a girl who can hang with the boys – and enjoy herself - is off the chain.
- It takes conscious effort to put the toilet seat back down. I do it though.
- I like basketball. I like you too, girl. You come first, though. [??] I don’t need to try and make time for both of you at the same time. Wait your turn.
- If there isn’t any visible dirt on the garment and it smells reasonably fresh, it can be re-worn. Jeans never get dirty.
- I see you looking at other guys. I realize they probably look better than I do - look all you want. Why get mad if I look at other girls? We both appreciate beauty, apparently.
- Week-old pizza is entirely edible. Warm it long enough to soften it up, but not too long to make it crusty.
- Honesty isn’t always the best policy. Please stop asking how many people I’ve been with. I wanna know how many you’ve been with though.
- After doing the deed, make me a sandwich. [Just kidding]
- A couple of pairs of jeans and a gazillion t-shirts and sneakers is all a man needs for his wardrobe.
- A car is only as important as how fast it is and what size speakers you can fit in its trunk. Two 12” subs usually do the trick. Ask Mose.
- Inside every man is a little boy that breaks loose from time to time. Please allow me to act a fool sometimes.
- I sleep only because I have to. I’d rather be awake.
*If you live to be a hundred and sleep an average of 6 hours a day, you’re only left with 75 years of consciousness.* [It’s 2.15am right now. Hmm, maybe I should go to bed. Gotta get up by 6]
Alright, I HAVE to go to bed. But only because I have to, don’t get it twisted! Feel free to add to my ‘typically male’ list.