TOP OF THE HOUR

[Typing this out with Word 2007 for the first time. Never once used it before, though this computer at work came bundled with it. Usually use Office XP. This here is so…. weird, for lack of a better word. Looking at all its shades of blues and reds and yellows almost makes me feel like I’d been smoking on some good "stickie-ickie-ickie, ooohweee!"]

Just what makes news these days? Every time I turn to the news channels these days I get a sense of déjà vu – everything’s almost predictable.

For starters, all you see and hear about lately is about the economy in general and, specifically, Obama’s [in]famous Stimulus Package, which to me sounds like Latin lingo for a handjob. [A local radio personality, Russ Parr, gives his listeners $100 every 20 minutes, or what he calls his ‘StimuRuss Package.’ Gets me every time.]

The Dow Jones, Nasdaq, S&P and Wall Street news usually come next. Right after that comes the bad news: about people losing jobs, losing homes and companies going bankrupt. This goes on for a few minutes.

Next comes worse news usually tied to, in more ways than one, the previous category - the pillaging and plundering: people shooting, killing, robbing, beating up and doing all sorts of nasty things. This category here is usually as long as, if not longer than, ‘stimuRuss’ news. It’s usually the most – dare I say – entertaining of all news. Interesting how the average human has an undeniable affinity for gore or a tear-jerker of a story.

Suddenly, gears shift and you get stories about the weather, spring blossoms, ground hogs and whatnot. In short, news that’s not news at all. This here category can last an entire 10-15 minutes. At the end of it all you learn that it had been a cold day, spring is right around the corner, vegetation is re-growing, allergy season is nigh and that the highways were extremely congested that evening. Way to fill it up with no news; it’s rather brilliant, actually. Shoot, they make a newscast on Christmas day, one of the most uneventful days of the year, last for the duration. Admirable, to say the least.

Lastly, in a quick one-two, come sports and the weather, and that’s it, just like that, only to do it all over again a few hours later.

Such is the average newscast, ladies and gentlemen. The first 10 minutes of the average newscast is all you really need. And maybe the last 2, if you need to know whether your team won or whether it’ll rain tomorrow.

Now, back to the grind. My inboxes are empty but hey, no one’s gotta know; I’ll keep that on the low.