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Laid back; chilled out.

Thursday, August 14, 2008


There's this girl I know. She's about 5'6", weighs 112 lbs soaking wet, fully clothed & with rocks in her pockets. She's dark haired, perfectly proportioned, great disposition, good at virtually everything. She loves to cook and loves to bite, though those two qualities aren't exactly synonymous.

She's got one major problem though: she doesn't like keys. The locking-unlocking kind, not kilos of cocaine. And keys don't like her either.

Scenario 1:
She only had one car-key. In the winter she went to warm up the car and inadvertently locked the door. The car was running. She called a locksmith who showed up in 25 minutes and 35 dollars later, was all squared away.
But that's quite OK. Sh*t happens, right? So she went and got another key made. Everything was good.

Scenario 2:
Same scenario, same winter - goes to warm the car up and locks the keys inside, car running. Her roommate had the spare key and she couldn't get a hold of her, so she called up the locksmith again. From then on she made sure the spare key was always accessible to her, so she left it inside her crib.

Scenario 3:
Same scenario, early spring: this time she's about to go to work. She also wants to throw away the trash so she goes to the car, starts it up, locks the door, again, and goes to the dumpster. Walking back to the car, she realizes what she just did and is sooo mad at herself because, this time, her purse was inside the car, as was her cellie. What's worse, she'd locked the door to the crib this time around so she couldn't retrieve her spare, let alone call the locksmith. So she went around looking for anyone with a cellie, found one, called me up & after I yelled at her for a good while, I called up the locksmith. 40 minutes later, she was on her way to work.

Scenario 4:
A couple of months back she got to work 15 minutes early at about 8.15. She sat in the car for a spell listening to music. At 8.28 she got out of the car, locked it and went in to work. At 11.30 her workmate came in and said her car was running. She was sure he was mistaken so she went out to check and sure enough, it was. And the door was locked. Luckily, she had put the spare key in her bag that day so she simply retrieved it, unlocked the door, turned the car off and re-locked it, 3 hours and half a gas-tank later.
I was speechless.

Scenario 5:
She works for some financial institution that needs a ginormous vault for whatever reason. The other day she had to go into the vault to do whatever. In addition to electronic locks, it's really a vault within a vault and apparently also needs a conventional key. So, after the usual carp-swiping and whatnot she went in to the inner vault, inserted the key, unlocked the door and went inside, leaving the key on the outside and would you know it, the heavy door that always stayed open started to slowly swing shut. She was almost done doing whatever she needed to do when, with a sound as ominous as the one made by the steel doors in county jail, the door to the vault clanged shut.
Now, the vault is typically only visited once or twice a day, if that, so it was entirely probable that she'd be in there like 4-5 hours before anyone else went in there. So she tried the whole kicking and screaming routine, to no avail. 15 minutes later she resigned to the fact that she could be in there all day long so she started looking around. That's when she noticed the 6.5-inch gap above and below the otherwise impenetrable door, and a bulb went off inside her dome. Remember that slender frame? She managed to squeeze it out that meagre gap between the door and the floor. 5 minutes later, she was back at her desk.

I was too amazed to be mad. I'm sure someone at the security office that night, while reviewing the tapes, was quite amazed too.


3CB said...

did she grab the key on her way out?

Anonymous said...

this has made my morning.

i propose you chain all her keys to her person.

Prousette said...

5 times...
I am tempted to laugh at her.

|d®| said...

>CB: lol! Gotta ask her about that. Maybe one of these days she will find herself on break.com, wiggling out the vault.

>31337: True. Either that or have a fingerprint or eye-scanner for everything. Or, like from this one episode of The Fresh Prince, have a key locator, which in turn would have a key locator locator.

>Prou: Trust me, I laugh about it all the time; that's 4 times too many. But even she [eventually] finds some of those episodes funny.

Anonymous said...

I suggest a Lincoln or any car with a numeric combo on the outside...call Dr. Phil or something b/c this world is full of keys...she needs to get this taken care of now!

|d®| said...

Ain't that the truth. Either that or a retractable Slim Jim that could fit in the pocket of her jeans, so she could unlock the door anytime.

[Hmmm, how's that for a new invention? I'm about to get that patented.]

Kenya's Dopest Chic said...

the petite frame paid off! tell her to take some fish pills...helps with memory cuz im gettin A's in calculus

|d®| said...

Fish pills? Augh! Isn't that like Seven Seas gelcaps? lol!