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Laid back; chilled out.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

BEAUTY. YES, BEAUTY IS HER NAME.

[This post is for entertainment purposes only. Any suppositions you may have about who I’m talking about here are inconsequential because I'll never tell. In short, you’d be pissing in the wind.
And no, I’m not going soft on y’all – never that. I recognize my faults & I try to fix them - that's all. You dig?]


"O, what men dare do! What men may do!
What men daily
do, not knowing what they do!"
[Shakespeare]


I met this girl.

We met through mutual friends some years back. I thought she would never be interested in me and she thought I was too young. Needless to say we didn't hit it off then.

A year or two later we met again through the same mutual friends. That’s when she learned I was old enough, as she put it, and I learned that she was extremely interesting, to say the least. So interesting, in fact, that I would be content to just sit, listen and stare at her all day. With these newfound revelations came mutual curiosity – and interest. And that’s how it all began.

She used to like it when I drove, particularly because she didn’t like to drive and I did. We used to drive all over the place, from state to state, until something happened one fateful night: it rained.

It didn’t just rain, it poured. It didn’t just pour either – it stormed. That one storm changed everything. No, it actually wasn’t just the storm. While driving on this one mile-long bridge, that one storm changed everything. The rain beat down & the lightning flashed at least once every half-second, thunder booming in quick succession. The massive river below the bridge was clearly visible, choppy waters and all, since the lightning transformed night into day, if only a flash at a time. It was terrible and beautiful and humbling all at the same time. After experiencing such a display of raw beauty and power together we would never be the same. And we weren’t.

First came the phone calls, those long, late-night conversations about everything and nothing. Then we started hanging out. She worked weekdays and weekends, sometimes even on Saturday and Sunday nights, so I only could see her a few hours at a time, a few hours a week - if that. It didn’t bother me that I couldn’t see her as much as I’d have wanted to; I was just happy to see her when I could, when she could.

She thought I was only out to hit it. She was right, but I didn’t just want that – I wanted so much more. Then she told me she would never give it up till she had that wedding band all nice and snug on her ring finger. She thought I’d back off then. I didn’t. For the first time in my life I was OK with that; I was content to just be close to her. She couldn’t believe it.

She had a man. She’d known this man for many years. Dude lived out of state. Maybe I had home court advantage, or maybe things weren’t great between the two of them. Or maybe I was just lucky, because she one day told me she liked me. I thought I was the luckiest man on God’s green earth, and I was.

The following months were nothing but bliss. Ever since my first heartbreak I’d never let myself be sprung over any girl so I fought the feeling….. and lost. Despite myself I gradually found myself constantly thinking about her: her smile, her eyes & the way they spoke volumes, her neck, her hands, her lips, her back down to her booty, her feet, her belly-button…. her body. Lawd, her body! More than her body even, her soul and spirit were so bright they blinded me, yet made me see her even clearer. She still wouldn’t give it up and I didn’t pressure her to. I was content to just be close to her, to bask in her luminance.

We made all these bets and played all these games. We once made a bet that I couldn’t catch up with her on the highway though I was miles behind. I caught up, risking life and limb on these perilous U.S. roads. I won the bet but she weaseled out of it somehow, though she made it up to me later. We went swimming once, for days. She’s the only girl I’ve introduced to my family and they liked right away, even though she met them only for a few hours and didn’t say much. She got really wasted on me once and I didn’t take advantage of her; I just watched her sleep, and was content to do just that.

She got mad at me for the longest time because of the nine. She got mad at me when I drove too fast and earned all those tickets. She got mad at me coz I was ‘complicating’ her destined-to-fail relationship with the out-of-state dude. Yet she loved me, for who I was, for who I was destined to become, for my outside-the-box way of thinking – as she put it.

And I loved her – I know that now. Hindsight is definitely 20-20, because I see that now clear as day.

Problem is, she didn’t believe I loved her; she thought I was running game. Maybe I was at the time. I was, actually. I was young, hormone-induced and stupid and couldn’t recognize a good thing if it hit me right in the face; and it did. From that point on it was downhill all the way for us, and now we don’t even talk.

I’ve never liked to see a girl cry, much less one I like, and I made her cry. Not just I but everything else around her seemed to crumble at about the same time and while I should’ve been her fortress, I was contributing to the steady deluge of disappointments in her life, and for that I’m sooo sorry.

That was then, a year or so ago, but she’s still the saddest girl I know. I can barely stand the thought of her being unhappy, she who taught me so much about how happy I could be.

14 comments:

alexcia said...

what a sappy story!!!
when you finally grow up,
you will get your ass the computer stool, you will stop blogging and you will go pick up some flowers and get the girl of your dreams and drive off into the sunset.

Till then...

akiey said...

Bet you know this already but a reminder wouldn't hurt now, would it?

In the film industry they say: 'Location, Location, Location'

Realists in everyday life say: 'Decision, Decision,Decision'

Life is all about choices. Choices we make & those we refuse to make.
'Action' and 'reaction' determine our paths in this thing we call life.
In all this, there must have been something you were meant to learn to better you as a person. Embrace the lesson & live life to the fullest.

Jadekitten said...

I'm a sucker for happy endings. I may not believe in them for myself (eternal pessimist), but that doesn't mean I don't wish them for other peeps. Is there a chance of a happy ending, or is this one of those 'Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all'? (with which by the way I SO don't acquiesce)

I agree with alexcia....haul a$$ and do sumthin'...

:-)

makanga said...

Sometimes game works and at times it doesn't. Frayed emotions, guilt and the 'if onlys' are the darker side of game.

You live and you learn my guy.

gishungwa said...

Is the out of state guy around, does she feel hi vibe now if yes its hard, try and restore the friendship. If no to both then heres your chance. my $.02 please sit and talk to her let it be truthful and if necessary let both of you be blunt about what you felt and what you feel then decide on the way forward.
About her crying, it never pleasant but see when you talk it over it does make things better and apologies all round for those who feel they have been offended within reason.
But TALK to her face to face, in a private place, where you both can be straight with each other.

acolyte said...

Interesting post but remember the story doesn't have to end there.......

Movie Buff said...

hmmmmmmm

POTASH said...

Okay I am not one of those people who believe in shrink yourself books but this story elicits that kind of response: you know, like she was yours and will be at the right time...mwahahah.
But frankly dude, you really seem to have walked away or sum..you didn't push your game...up the ante, and now you are whinning and doing nuffin...

Anyway, just got to say that your writing style is what Kenyans appreciate. Research data here, I tell you- if you dropped the Shakespeare of course. Do something about the writing dude!

tanyanedmcw said...

d, as someone mentioned you got writing talent. That story was so captivating..for a brief moment there I thought you were talking about me hahaha. Hope to read more soon!

>d® said...

>Alexcia: Thanks for that mental b*tch-slap; I needed it! Unfortunately, it's not quite so simple; more to the story than meets the eye.

>Akiey: Well put. I know for sure I won't make the same mistake twice.

>Jadekitten: I don't know, really. My attemps at reconciliation have been futile but the ice has thawed somewhat, I'd like to think.

>Makanga: True that, true that. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, eh?

>Gish: I don't know whether dude is around. I never worried about him anyway.

>Aco: I'd like to think it won't.

>Buff: Ah, surprised I'm actually capable of emotion, aren't you? :)

>Potash: Trust me, it's not quite so straightforward. I haven't completely given up tho.
Ha ha, you sound like my English professor sitting me down & talking about: Have you considered being an author? Thanks tho.

>Adhis: Thanks. You know, it could be about you. I'll never tell, remember? :)

D said...

i bet if someone got a few shot in ya, u'd be tellin! lol.

>d® said...

Oh no, never that. It's easier squeezing blood from a rock than for me to divulge info that could be potentially disastrous. But then again, you already knew that!

ck said...

Now that we found love what are we going to do with it? Heavy D asked a while back. So now what? Mysterious female friend that has caught >d®'s heart (among other things)please feelanga free to respond.

>d® said...

*[To self] Damnit, She's too sharp for her own good. Knows me too well!*

What are we now going to do with love, now that we found it? Nothing.
I've reached out. All I can do now is wait. To be or not to be - that is indeed the question.