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Laid back; chilled out.

Monday, March 27, 2006


I went to church today. Well, on Sunday. Yes, all you skeptics, B.E.T. & ‘em, I do go to church. I’ll admit though that I don’t get to go to church half as often as I’d want to. I’ve been working on trying to change that though.

It was all nice & warm inside the church and the sermon was long. That and the fact that I’ve been up and about all weekend long, not to mention the unusually strenuous workout I endured, [don’t read too much into that] made me more than a little sleepy while the sermon was going on. Fortunately I remembered just in time what someone once told me, something to the effect of:

Always pay attention to something you might not be particularly interested in; it often turns out to be most important.

So I forced myself to listen, and was I glad I did, coz it turned out to be a really good sermon. Pastor what’s-his-name was talking about going back to the first love. As in when you first discover God you’re so excited about it but then lose the fire, as he put it. Good sermon.

That got me thinking about my firsts though, the first time I ever did whatever. Let’s take a stroll down d-money’s memory lane. I’ll try and keep it in chronological order.

First time I figured out my name was >d®:
Of course I don’t remember the exact moment, but it has to be when I was a toddler and my siblings called out my name 24-7. I’m slow sometimes but the repetition was such that I had to get it.

First time I got my ass beat:
Oh, I remember this one! My first real encounter with the cane was when I snuck over to my then best friend’s house when I’d specifically been told not to go there. It still smarts.

First time I got my ass kicked:
[not to be confused with the one above]
Primary school. Some playa-haters jumped me while I was kicking the all-newspaper-and-juala soccer ball around the playground. I was smaller & there were three of them, punks. Needless to say they damn near beat me to a pulp. All good. Get at me now fellas.

First time I noticed the physical differences between boys & girls:
Of course the fact that we wore shorts & they wore skirts gave me a clue. There was, however, one neighborhood girl that was one of us; a diehard tomboy. [Maybe that explains my special weakness for such chics] During one of our pissing games, you know, the one where we tried to see who could piss the furthest, the girl joined in. As if the fact that she had to lean back to piss forward wasn’t evidence enough, the other boys and I were instantly intrigued by the girl's artillery – or lack thereof.

First time I noticed the physical differences between boys & girls, pt. 2:
Imagine my horror when the girls in my class suddenly shot up and loomed over us. We’d always taken pleasure in terrorizing them but they were suddenly formidable – and merciless. I’ll be man enough to admit that a girl has whopped my ass. The WWF influence didn’t help much either coz yo, she picked me up and body-slammed me onto the Maragua dust. Then there were these funny-looking lumps growing on their chests that I was tempted to touch, like Rupee.

First time I had a wet dream
I remember it like it was just yesterday. I’d started having weird dreams, dreams about suddenly-gigantic girls with lumps on their chests. One night the dream was unusually intense and I think it ended just when I was about to unveil ‘the mystery of the lumps’ when a sudden, warm wetness enveloped my groin. I awoke thinking: oh sh*t, I know I didn’t just piss in bed after 10 piss-free years! But then, as I was making a beeline for the bathroom, I noticed that the front of my PJs looked like a tepee. Upon further inspection I noticed, by the consistency of the fluid that had drenched my drawers, that this was anything but piss. I’ll leave it at that.

First time I made the girls=hard connection:
My Ma one day had an unusual number of laborers at the farm, in addition to yours truly, of course. The usual sufs were too small for this one day so Mama d® told me to go to a neighbor’s house and borrow their biggest suf, which was considerably larger than our biggest. I go over there, walk around but there’s no one in sight. I yell out for anyone and finally the neighbor’s daughter comes thru. I said wsup and explained that I needed to borrow the suf. She was in the process of handing it over when she suddenly had that wicked glint in her eye [which I later came to recognize as horniness] and she grabbed my .. er… arm and asked me to come inside the house to see what she had for me. I was initially reluctant but I went in anyway and before I knew it, she had yours truly pinned against the wall and was doing things. Fortunately [or is it unfortunately?] there was the familiar sound of tires on gravel signaling her parents’ return and needless to say I ran all the way home, suf and all. As I was running for home I noticed the tepee again in my pants and that’s when I had the epiphany.

First time I knew I liked girls:
Shortly after my above epiphany I was at church one day trying to endure the usual routine. [Hey, I was only interested in fun back then & church wasn’t exactly fun] I used to sing at church and while going through the motions I noticed some girl in the crowd about my age. All of a sudden everyone & everything else ceased to exist, like I’d suddenly gotten tunnel vision, apart from this girl. I was enraptured by everything about her. It didn’t help much that it was Communion time so she walked up front and I’ll tell you what, I could hear music playing as she walked to and from the pulpit. And I don’t mean church music. There was music when she walked to the pulpit, music when she knelt on the padded section to receive the Body & Blood, music when she downed them, music as she got up, music as she walked back to her seat and music as she sat down. I knew then, and I know now. *Sigh!* I love women.

First nookie:
Sloppy, very sloppy. All 10 or so minutes of it. Hey, it’s not like I was timing it. Explosive, Mind-boggling. Inexplicably good. Copious fluid.

First kiss:
Forget all the hype about how special a first kiss is, for real. This one was all wet and sloppy. And I loved every blissful moment of it. I was ‘studying’ in this one classroom with some chic, just she and I. One moment we were discussing Algebra and the next we were swapping spit. I’ll describe it as such coz that’s what it was. Let’s just say I had Orbit gum in my mouth prior to the kiss and that it was missing when we were done. Neither of us knew what happened to it. I lost my gum again though, later on. And not just once.

First realization that I have an OK brain, albeit a little… er…. whacky:
In my final year of high school cats would wake up in the wee hours of the morning to go study. I succumbed to the pressure and did that one time, and one time only. From then on they would try & wake me up but I’d be like hell no, y’all go do your thing. My then best friend tried to make me do it but I was like hell to the no; quality, not quantity. Even Mama d® was like dude, I don’t think you’ll pass the exam. O they of little faith. I did pass, and if it wasn’t for that damned Swa I would’ve done a lot better, but I did OK still.

First time in the U.S. of A.:
Think about this one for a minute: I’d just come from shags straight to the United States. Needless to say I was more than a little out of place and I proved that by buying a can of Cherry Coke from some Jewish-looking dude for $5.00 at the airport. Later on I would get startled when the double doors opened up by themselves at Kmart. Oh, and did I mention my first brush with the law? And how about the first time I was told about daylight savings time? Filing taxes? Social Security #s? Yo, it’s amazing most of this stuff is 2nd nature to me now. Adaptation is definitely key.

First time in the slammer:
. Then here.

First time blogging:
I have to give credit where it’s due and say that the very first KBW blog I ever visited was Udi’s. He & I go back like 8-tracks but I didn’t know about the blog till I stumbled across it while surfing. Thanks to that one experience performancefirst was conceived. Wsup Udi.

First time I felt like an adult:
So, I succumbed to the pressure of going to this one bash. It was good, great actually. Lots to eat and drink, fly people, good music; the works. I was vibing this one chic, a friend of a friend, all night long and by night’s end we were both hammered, and tired, and horny, coz we’d been dancing and flirting and talking exclusively the whole time. One thing led to another and we went back home to the crib and it was about to be on & poppin’. I suddenly started rationalizing the whole thing and was like:
What the hell am I doing? You know you don’t like this girl like that. Is this really worth it? Can you handle the drama that will inevitably come after this incident?
So I killed it. I literally pulled the pants back up and was like: I’m sorry but I gotta go. Trust me fellas, those words sounded as foreign to me then as they do now coz that had never happened before. Then I walked out.

I’ve already said too much. Ciao, y’all.


Anonymous said...

This post has me laughing like mad - and its only morning. What have you done to me?

Anyway, I will have to come back and comment 'at length' coz I am a wee bit busy - but damn, some stuff up in here I didnt need to read at 1030am on a Monday (and you know its really 930am cos the crazy clocks jumped' over the weekend).

Keguro said...

Strange: so growing up=coitus interruptus?

I'll have to muse on that.

Prousette said...

Lumps on the chest?
They sound positively cancerous.
That girl neighbor of yours really!! what did you then think she was up to?

A1 said...

Interesting firsts ;) i suppose you've been addicted to various lumps ever since?

Anonymous said...

Wow....I learn new things bout u every day. Nice to hear u went to church

|d®| said...

>G: Wsup. Yeah DST takes some getting used to, faw shaw. Hope you're doing great, workload notwithstanding.

>Keguro: LOL! Nah man. There was no coitus in that one instance at all! We hadn't even gotten to the point of no return!

>Prou: I must admit I was slow about it, but I didn't know any better. I had no idea what it is that she was gonna show me!

|d®| said...

>A1: LOL! Addiction is an understatement, I'll tell you that much!
Which reminds me - I need to talk to you. And don't worry, it isn't about lumps! ;)

>d: Wsup girl. I know, I know - I've been too gone too long. I'll holla.

Milonare said...

AKi jus peeped at the Rupee - Tempted to Touch part and angukad kichekoz


Aki I run nitarudi kusoma and comment sa-sawa


A1 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
A1 said...

d> if not lumps? what else could we possibly have to discuss;)

Anonymous said...

I'll hold my breath..no worries

Anonymous said...

sweet dude! sweet post. Ahhhh this is truly the >d® that we've missed and love !

It's funny how church led you to think of first time to be kissed, molested, turn down *!

He he he... Train of though man! Train of thought.

Good post!

Farmgal said...

all this from a sermon!
very funny very funny...you crack me up dude.

Anonymous said...

>d, I gotta say, my sermon this week was all bout John 3:16, and an emphasis on reserving one's urge to condemn others......I enjoyed it and all, but I feel like i missed out on something. How bout church next sunday while i'm in the area??? I wanna check out this sermon experience of urs....

|d®| said...

>Milo: Wat up. Thanks for checking in.

>A1: LOL! Well, we could also talk about humps!

>Mutumia: Wsup girl. I guess the sermon triggered off a reminiscing chain reaction! I'm a victim of my imagination, what can I say!

>Farmgal: What up what up. I try!

>d: Wsup. Yeah, we can do that. I'll specifically tell the pastor to call you out, how about that.
"..reserving one's urge to condemn others..." LOL - You have a gift, being so subtle yet saying so much!

Anonymous said...


You took chile point of no return halafu hepad?


Na mamiso pinned you against wall unleashing manenos?


Haki this post bambad

I like, i like, I like


Udi said...

lol. wsup d. i can see i can inspire people. I feel like the old hip hop pioneers. Grandmaster flash ama Afrika Bambaata right about now.

as for letting go of that chile who came all the way to your place, all i have to say is that you have a strength i dont even wish for. me i would have sucumbed in the moti and gone round 1 in the back seat before we head home for the remaining 11 rounds

Anonymous said...

No u didn't!.......I mean u pulling up ur pants and leaving the chic.Hard to believe, hard to believe!
Your first nookie lasted 10 min.........mmhh!

Anonymous said...

Jamaa, I wish I had it like you. Hunting for sufs and what d'you get? That's prolly a first and last.
For that chic you left, Deborah Cox's words must have had a whole new meaning! "How you walk away so easily - still remains a mystery to me!"

I like this!!

Anonymous said...

Nice post my guy!Some of us are still freshers here and learning the ropes.While you have chapad all the damn mileage!Dont corrupt me!

|d®| said...

>Milo: The getting pinned against the wall incident isn't half as glamorous as it might seem, 4 real! I was like 11-12 years old at the time & girl was a couple of years older. I had no idea what was going on!

>Udi: LOL! I guess that makes you a role model of sorts, huh?! Oh, trust me, it wasn't at all EZ tearing myself away from the impending nookie!

>B.E.T.: Ha ha, trust you to pay particular attention to the duration! I'll reserve my comments before v^6 comes looking for me riding shotgun literally, like Jeezy says!

>Magaidi: Thanks for checking in. Yeah, I wish I could relive some of those moments! Hindsight is 20-20, eh?

>Aco: Wsup Ha ha, you're too much! Good looking out tho.

spicebear said...

haha, you have officially hilarized me, totally! good one.

Whispering Inn said...

Jamaa, that's why I don't go to church. Ukienda kanisa, you start telling on yourself!
Hilarious mzee - hiyo pinning kwa wall, na first nookie - deadly.
First nookie ni wasiwasi sana lakini the pride of conquering makes you an instant man!
And I see you've been busy sitting in the backseat of a squad car, eh? LOL!
I've had my share too.

Shaggy said...

Great post. 1st's are always pretty memorable especially that first semoosa.

Thanks for popping by have a good weekend.

Anonymous said...

You ran away at 11-12 years and you put your clothes on... with one who was ready and willing right there... Are you still afraid of it? It is powerful, but running away and twice? Wow! Tee pees??? LOL!!! Lumps? Inside the minds of young men strange thoughts and definations reside. Still LMAO!

|d®| said...

>Spicebear: *like Elvis* Thank you, thank you very much!

>Whis: Good to know you can relate when it comes to the boyz in blue, punks.
LOL @ "start telling on yourself." Funny!

>BJ: Thanks man. Have a good weekend too.

>CK: I didn't even look at it that way - I ran away twice!
You'd be surprised at the simplicity of things that go on inside a man's dome, for one. I mean, it's EZ when all you do is think about girls about 75% of the time; that leaves precious little brain power for much else!

gishungwa said...

from the first love to so many other firsts strange how it seems so long ago yet still so fresh in the mind. The sloppy first kiss when you not sure what gives. i loved the post had me laughing about the neighbourly girl and the screeching tyres.I wonder did you ever deliver the thingsy you had been sent?

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