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Laid back; chilled out.

Monday, December 05, 2005


Previously on Incarceration part one: d-money is thrown into the slammer before he realizes it.

…… I was literally shoved through a door right by the stand which led to a temporary jail right by the courtroom, though the décor was starkly different. In the place of the wood paneling in the courtroom was cold, hard concrete covered by dirty white paint with obscene graffiti scratched into the paintwork.

One of wardens was 2 paces behind me literally breathing down my neck. He was wearing a turd-brown uniform and a shiny gold badge. He had all the usual accessories except, interestingly, the 9mm. Perpetrators must’ve tried to yank those gats out of desperation before coz ain’t no way an American cop can walk around all willy-nilly, as Cedric The Entertainer might say, without wearing their gats. They love them things. The warden was old too and a little on the chubby side - I could’ve whopped his ass. I only had to be behind bars one day though so it was all good.

He had me face the wall right next to the cell and made me assume the position as he donned a pair of blue latex gloves. Oh no, here comes the body cavity search, I thought. There isn’t a man alive – a straight man anyway - that doesn’t cringe at the thought of a body cavity search. Thankfully, that wasn’t the warden’s intention. He did, however, make me remove everything that was in my pockets, then made doubly sure there was nothing left by frisking me neck down, everywhere. And when I say everywhere I mean everywhere. Need I elaborate? He then made me take my belt off and the laces off my sneakers. When he was satisfied I was clean he put everything in a see-thru plastic bag and pushed me into the actual cell in which there was only a concrete bench and a stainless-steel toilet. Soon as I sat on the bench, he sneered at me and slammed the sliding steel door shut with a resounding bang, as if to accentuate the finality of the matter. Punk.

There was another cell next to mine and in it were 2 other guys, one Korean and the other Mexican. I was all alone in mine, but that’s good. Apparently they’d been sitting in there for a while coz as soon as the warden left the Korean let out this long sigh and said something to the effect of it’s boring as $hit in here. And it was. I was only in there 15 minutes, 20 minutes tops and was bored stiff. It was cold and damp in there too and smelled of piss – no surprise with the toilet 3 feet away. The stainless steel didn’t sparkle either, if you catch my drift. On it was a mosaic of yellow splatters and streaks; I didn’t even wanna think about what could’ve caused those discolorations.

2 big-ass wardens finally came through. One exuberantly announced that it was time for us to go to the big house. That’s when the little Korean dude got up and took a piss in the toilet and one of the wardens was like what if I told you to stop now? Despite myself I laughed over that one. The Mexican and I were already out the cells when the Korean dude finally came out. One of the wardens berated him for not washing his hands and dude literally jumped back into the cell and washed his hands at the water fountain.
That’s another thing – the water fountain was right above the toilet bowl – I kid you not. I was thirsty as a mug later and had to have some of that piss-flavored water in the big house. Not fun.

I ramble – allow me to proceed. They cuffed all 3 of us together and we took this one elevator, got off and walked for like 3 minutes then got onto another elevator and this one opened up to the big house. First thing I saw as we were herded along were scruffy-looking people in this one cell wearing blue jumpsuits looking at us disinterestedly. We were poked and prodded toward this desk where we checked in. That lady was the only nice official in the whole joint. She called me ‘sir’ and politely asked me how to pronounce my last name and even cracked a joke. The rest of them were barking everything out and shoving us around. Punks.

Anyhow, after the checking in we were shoved into some half-open rooms right next to the main jails. There they did another body search, and this one was even more thorough. I even had to take my socks off and show the dude the soles of my feet! He then took both my sneakers and inspected them thoroughly, then made me take off my shirt and wife-beater and shook ‘em off. Alright already, I was thinking. The Korean and Mexican dudes were enduring the same humiliation, apparently. The Mexicano was a pretty-boy. He wouldn’t last a day in the feds, I was thinking. They’d make him wear a cheerleader’s skirt and pom-poms and clear heels. As in this dude had shoulder-length hair that was obviously ‘did,’ was clean-shaven and had polished teeth. He even had brown streaks in his hair, for crying out loud! Dude, you better stay clean coz if you ever go to the feds those female-deprived inmates doing 20-to-life would have a field day with you! Don’t drop the soap homie! The Korean dude was your typical Korean, short in stature and talked all the time. Felt sorry for him though coz he was gonna be in there for a while. I think he was driving drunk – for the second time though, and he’d totaled his 325i beamer. Wow.

Then we went for the ‘photo shoot.’ They had this multi-megapixel camera that looked pricey, sitting all nice and pretty on a titanium tripod. Nice way to spend taxpayers’ money, huh? A $125 3-megapixel camera would’ve been sufficient, don’t you think? I was tempted to strike a pose or raise one eyebrow like The Rock but it was no time for horseplay. Besides, blockhead the warden was right there at my right flank.

Finally we were thrown into the big house. It’s a reasonably large room – for 5 people. There was at least 20 people in that joint at any one time though, coz people came and went. Keep in mind there were no windows, only one door and there weren’t enough seats. There were only 10 seats in the room. The rest of the perpetrators were lying on the hard concrete using their shoes as pillows and some were even knocked out in that position, snoring and $hit – I don’t how they could sleep like that. I was fortunate enough to get a seat but it was hard as anything. Not only that, but the toilet was in one corner of the room and all the sounds and odors associated with it were close enough to make it obvious just what was going on in there. Most of the people went in there and did the thug thizzle like it was nothing.

I’m lucky I didn’t need to go #2 since I hadn’t eaten all day long. I just hadn’t had the time to so I was famished by midday, 15 minutes after getting into the main cell. Blockhead and another warden brought lunch which consisted of 2 sandwiches: each 2 slices of bologna between 2 slices of white bread. There was also a quart of 2% pasteurized milk. [I even checked the expiration date on the milk. Old habits die hard, I guess.] Everything was in an opaque brown bag which was tossed to every inmate. I was like hell to the no, I’m not eating this $hit. All I did was drink the milk. By 5 o’clock though I was literally digesting my insides and would’ve started gnawing at one of the steel bars if blockhead hadn’t shown up again with his loyal sidekick and started tossing ‘dinner’ around again. You guessed it - 2 bologna sandwiches and a quart of 2% milk. I didn’t wanna know this time around and I crushed those 2 sandwiches in a flash. They hit the spot too and I finally managed to doze off leaning against the wall. I kept waking up though coz blockhead kept opening and shutting that steel door every 20 minutes, yelling and $hit. Hot damn, keep it down to a dull roar, I was thinking!

And that’s how the rest of the evening passed. There was a TV in there though and that helped some, but it was so small and the volume was turned down so low I couldn’t hear anything. Ever tried watching The Simpsons without any sound? I never did before then. It sucks. Then blockhead tuned in to TNT but all that was on was some NASCAR Award shiznit. NASCAR sucks. Going round a track 500 times doesn’t constitute racing in my books. Formula one and Rallying are real racing; separates the men from the boys. I was dozing off in a quick minute soon as the NASCAR stuff came on.

At midnight is when the real $hit started. They started filling the cells up with the real degenerates – the drunk, the homeless, the high, the drug dealers, the hookers, [Not in the male cells though, damn. Just kidding.] the pimps, the drunk drivers and the like. With every new degenerate the filth, the heat and the stench escalated. The place absolutely reeked. It was so hot, so damn hot. That’s when I was glad I’d dressed down. If I’d been stuck in there with dress clothes on it would’ve been much worse. Everyone reeked in there. Then some drunken dude threw up on one of the seats then sat on the throw-up like it was nothing. Then he got knocked the buck out and then pissed all over himself too! Wow. Then this fine chick was getting booked – we could see it all – and all the sleazes went to the side nearest her to leer. I must admit I was doing it too but hey, there’s something about being in County that reduces one to a primal state. Kill or be killed. Eat or be eaten. Be the first to get with the girl. Survival for the fittest, whatever you wanna call it.

Honestly, I don’t know how I lasted till morning. After what seemed like a lifetime, blockhead [was he working multiple shifts?] came through and pulled a few of us out of there. I wanted to hug him, 4 real. [Yeah, right. That would’ve sent me back in there. They warned us about touching them – an absolute nono.] After returning our belongings and making us sign stuff stating that we got all our stuff back we were outa there. I felt like kissing the ground when I stepped out the building, 4 real. I felt like singing, such was the relief.

I can go on and on about the experience but bottom line is, don’t, repeat DON’T, get caught speeding in Fairfax County, Virginia. They’re building a couple of hundred new cells so you know there’s space for your sorry ass if you’re unfortunate enough to get incarcerated! I need to join SCCA [Sports Car Club of America] or something so I can go to the track, get my rocks off and chill out the rest of the time. I’m not trying to get back in there, hell to the no!


Anonymous said...

That was such a fun read - you write really well - I could envision everything you were going through - especially the toilets and the friskdown - I get offended when I have to be frisked at airports - I would be scared to get a 'cavity' search too - its not only 'straight' guys who are wary of that little exercise.

ROFLMAO @raised eyebrow a la The Rock - somehow when you got to the 'pose' I saw that one coming - and I should also add that its not safe to read this post at work... tihihihi

You were only staying the nite and they made you go through all those processess? Man, that is a waste of space and manpower I would think - a closet or behind a desk (or in the loo) should have sufficed - why not tell them 'thanks but no thanks' to the additional 'hospitality' - especially since the food was of the 'hospital' category.

As you can see, I can dissect this post and spend a very long time, and a huge comment space on it, but I will come back when it is safe to laugh without getting strange looks :)

I thoroughly enjoyed this.

|d®| said...

Thanks, Guess. A closet or behind a desk, you said? Funny. If there'd been a bed I'd have been a-ok. I agree, all that for less than 24 hrs of confinement? What a waste.

I peeped out your photo. Delectable, if I may be so bold.

I was tripping over the 'AH' incident at the g-spot. I don't even know dude but I wanted to whop his ass. Wow.

Anonymous said...

what? it was worse than high school food? no clean sheets and blankets? tsktsk..After a few hours that food looked good didn't it? Imagine if you spend 30 days in there some of those dudes would eeerrr.. look different wouldn't they?? :)A1

|d®| said...

Ha ha, very funny, A1. Dudes are smelly and hairy and dirty. Food is a necessity, that's why I had to indulge. I think I'd have to have really lost it if I'd started finding some of the men in there attractive.

Anonymous said...

I was gonna go with the bed, but thought that was pushing it a lil bit - seeing as you were meant to be punished for being a lawbreaker, not being 'accommodated' in comfort; but hey, wishes and horses and all that.

Thanks, I Guess about the photo - you are too kind :)

About AH - well, I get the same reaction - what can I say, assholes and born and 'made' on a daily basis - you live and learn.

Anonymous said...

You write very well. How about you try it for a career or hobby? I am only concerned about one thing, the language you picked up from that place! That is not a very attractive thing!

|d®| said...

I just didn't pick the language when I came here. I'm only verbalizing it now. Hey, take it or leave it. I'm only telling a story.

Anonymous said...

Ever heard the line "Living my life in a slow hell..."? It's from a song, and I found it to best describe your little field trip. Damn, n i thought Alcatraz was bad...F-fax is a real hell...damn! one word: MOVE!!! I'd love to see your best "Rock" eyebrow though...that must be a sight. "Been locked up, they won't let me out......." I hope the Korean wasn't the proverbial "Bubba". That would suck!!!!! If ur living to write about it, count your blessings.

P.S. Michael Jackson, O.J., Todd Bridges, hell even Robert Blake n Gary Coleman all did the "remorseful-hands infront- routine"- in hindsight, I would've advised you not to do it.
Sorry to hear you had to go through that though.

Anonymous said...

nice articles, sorry for the sleepover, i hope u are not planning on doing it soon. you fine is the same amount as my latest ticket. 60mph in a 30mph zone but the good thing is that he cought me after i had smocked a honda civic doing 100 on the same stretch.(i should join a club)
G1 formaly IAMDOWN2

Anonymous said...

poor boy had to do some hard time for a day. eat that ***t and watch Nascar, yeah who the hell watches Nascar...
hope your learned your lesson on speed yah right!!!

forget all that said be4 below is more important

mmmmmmmmmmm!!! nice stuff. you

know some of us love bad ass boys who have spent some time in jail
give a sister/brother/wigga/chigga a call:)

Poi said...

Great read this. I'm loving the way you write.

Now as it is known or is it a joke often told of how y'all in virginia drive down to catch pints in D.C.imtellya y'all need to watch out in VA then.

But,now that you look back to it, I know twas an awful experience but when you look back to it what do you go like?

I like nono..hehheheh :)

|d®| said...

Poi,seems like a bad dream now when I think about it, but I guess I needed to go through it just so I could slow my a$$ down. Seems a little funny now though, I must admit!

gishungwa said...

I love the way you write bad boy. You do have a way with words its so graphical and pictorial must stem from designing maybe. Hope its a lesson well learnt. I must say that i enjoyed the Rosk thingy, the camera vibe, the hot chisk being booked but God forbid the cavity search. I love the fact that you felt too hot to eat the food then got hungry enough to eat it without second thought. Be back for more am already addicted- dmoney anonymous maybe?

google nut said...

I just happened upon your blog and it's proven to be quite interesting. I run a birdhouse website at http://www.bigchimes.com and I have some deals you may find interesting this spring. I will return often to your blog and check out your new posts. Good luck and keep it going!

Anonymous said...

So you can officialy say you have served time!

phassie said...

LOL @ aco. that was an experience. Now I know something about Va, because I frequent there once in a while.

|d®| said...

Yeah, look out for Ffx. County, faw shaw.