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Laid back; chilled out.

Friday, January 27, 2006

SNAP, CRACKLE, OUCH

TGIF, that’s all I gotta say. Friday can never get here fast enough, ever. Shoot, on Monday mornings I think about what imma do the following weekend, for real. Not that I do a whole lot over the weekends, no. It’s just that these days, more than ever, there seems to be less and less time to chill. I don’t mean just sitting around the house doing nada, no. I’m talking about the increasing unavailability of Me Time. I previously dismissed the Me Time issue, or lack thereof, as kawa. Oh, we gotta do what we gotta do, I said to myself. Which is true though coz it’s not like we can chill all the time; that would be detrimental to our well being. Not to mention the fact that bills are relentless. I still manage to spend most of my time at work and that leaves precious little time for anything else. At least I don’t work weekends, thank God.

Not only does work suck for the most part but there’s something else that’s bugging the heck outta me about the whole working experience. And I don’t mean the usual Same-$hit-Different-Day [SSDD] stuff. There’s always the demanding customers, the not-too-smart vendors, the 2-hours-late UPS delivery guy, the boss-man breathing down my neck, the incessant phone calls, the stack of paperwork in all 5 of my inboxes, the usual technical issues like the computer locking up in the middle of an unsaved project, the infrequent [but buggin’] f*ck-ups, the too-short 30 minute lunch break….. I can go on and on. All these tribulations, however, take a back seat to the current numero uno problem - static.

[Indulge me while I break it down.] We’re smack in the middle of winter, needless to say. Temperatures are below freezing and it follows, naturally, that most, if not all, moisture in everyday air condenses, liquefies then solidifies. There’s lots of electricity in the air, and I don’t mean in a boy’s-eyes-meet-girl’s kind of way. Moisture, for whatever reason, seems to neutralize this electricity. It follows that since the humidity is super low these days I constantly need to lick my lips at a rate that would make LL Cool J jealous. [Kinda awkward when I’m talking to, say, a dude and I’m constantly licking my lips, huh?] I also need to keep re-lotioning my hands, not to mention parts of my body that wouldn’t ordinarily need moisturizing. Like, I woke up this morning and bent over to pick up my shoes and it felt like the skin on my back had just cracked open - that’s how it felt. I had to look in the mirror to see what the hell was going on but all I could see was that my back was ashy as hell. [How do you even lotion your back?] I didn’t have the time to mess with anything so I just left for work, ashy back and all. My legs these days look like I’ve been kicking flour and my scalp, clean-shaven and all, would look like desert terrain if I didn’t grease it up. But that’s nothing compared to the numero uno problem - static.

The drive to work these days isn’t any better. Seems like everyone and their mama’s moving to Woodbridge and its environs. It’s all stop-and-go these days. Pisses me off. But that’s nothing compared to the numero uno problem - static.

The moment I get outside the workplace is when the numero uno problem - static - begins. I’m usually like 15-20 minutes early and that gives me time to catnap or read a couple of chapters of my Dean Koontz. [He's easily my favorite author. Gotta be borderline insane, it seems to me, to write the stuff he writes about. Hmm, could be I’m demented too, you think?] I don’t very well have too much space in the Lancer, particularly due to the steering wheel, to be comfortable so I slide over to the co-driver’s side. My knee accidentally touches the all-metal shifter and >zap<, a miniature lightning bolt jumps between my knee and the shifter. Either that or I reach for the reclining lever on the co-driver’s seat and >zap<.

At 0744hrs I leave the car coz you know I gotta be in the premises at exactly 0745hrs like clockwork, like Juelz Santana say. I open the car door and step out, then reach for the door to shut it and >zap<. I walk to the entrance and as I open the door to the building, >zap<. I go to the computer to punch in and on touching the keyboard, >zap<. I get to my office and as I take the coat off, >snap, crackle, ouch<. I go to hang the coat on the hook and my hand inadvertently touches the all-metal hook and >zap<. I sit down on the chair and reach down to turn the computer on and a split-second before my finger touches the power-on button - >zap<. Then it’s all good.

My eyelids keep threatening to glue themselves shut so I go to grab some of that nasty corporate coffee. I get up and go to the coffeepot and as I reach for it, >zap<. I fix the coffee and go back to my desk, reach for the mouse and >zap<. Then it’s all good.

It’s a little nippy so I go to my little in-office closet to grab my sweatshirt and >zap<. As I wear it, >snap, crackle, ouch<. I sit back down, reach for the mouse again and >zap<. Then it’s all good.

The phone rings and [>zap<] a customer or vendor needs me to grab some paperwork so I get up and go towards the all-steel filing cabinet(s). I reach for one of the drawers and >very major zap<. I go back to the desk, reach for the mouse and - you guessed it - >zap<.

My boy swings by work to say wsup. I get up from my desk soon as the receptionist bellows for me to go up front, see my boy and go to give him a pound and >zap<. Wsup man, ouch!, both of us simultaneously say.

I go to the Signs Department to holla at my boy Steve-O, the resident genius. He’s over there messing with the wide-format digital printer and we talk for a minute. He reaches for a sheet of acrylic and, when he holds the sheet above his head, his hair stands up on end. He puts the sheet down, leans against the monstrous all-steel-and-rubber laminator and >zap<. Then he’s standing right next to the printer and his lower torso is in the immediate vicinity of the printer and >zap<, a bolt jumps from his member to the printer and a split-second later he grabs his stuff and hurls expletives. [This is a true story, by the way]

The same things keep recurring all day long, as well as numerous other incidents that I forget. 1700hrs finally arrives after what seems like 24 hours later and, thankfully, it’s quittin’ time. I shut the computer down: >zap<. I take off the sweatshirt >snap, crackle, ouch<. I put my coat on, go to the computer to punch out >zap<. Get to the whip, turn it on, reach for the shifter and >zap<. Get home, step out, reach over to shut the car door and >zap<. Get to the door, fumble with the keys and as I insert the key into the lock, >zap<. I step in, close the door, reach for the light switch and >zap<. Go upstairs, turn lights on >zap<, take clothes off and put other clothes on
>snap, crackle, ouch<, reach for the computer’s power button to check out all y’all bloggers’ latest posts and >major, major zap<.

I’ll be damned. Now you see what I mean about the static problem. It almost makes me not wanna touch anything ever again - with a couple of exceptions. I could use the static problem as a corny line when I’m trying to holla at a chick I just met. We would shake hands, both get zapped and I’d say something stupid like:

“Dang, I can already feel the electricity between us.”

26 comments:

Msanii_XL said...

lol..at all those Zaps sure you not elctrocuted?

Many i'm with you on that ashyness(having walking around thinking you got scales) bit, the njeve doesn't help neither,

Guessaurus said...

member MEMBER...???? Who uses that term anymore? LOLOLOL. Are you serious about his member getting zapped? I want pictures...

That was too funny... I do know what you mean about static though :(

When I spent Xmas 2004 over there, I thought that I was being a 'lady', you know, polite British manners and all, by opening and holding doors for my sisters, being the first to open car doors - turning on machines etc. Then one day I asked my sister: Is it me or does anyone else keep getting zapped by static? And they looked at each other and laughed, then said: Why do you think we stand back when we have to go through a door and let you do it? The little terrors were leaving me to get all the static. I was not amused, and my geniality went out the window that day... LOL

You do get zapped here but its not that much of a problem as it is over there, I dont think.

LOL@your pick-up line - doubt it would work though :)

Brother Jero (BJ) said...

Yup, ni Furaiday? Happy Hour here I come. Have a good one buddy.

Keguro said...

Like you, I have been mini-electrocuted many times.

Before opening a door or turning on a light, you can discharge some of the sitima by running the back of your hand along the door frame or a wall. I've been doing it for years, after some very painful winters.

As for zapping members, copyright the phrase and sell it to a porn distributor.

Guessaurus said...

@Keguro - yaaay I finally find someone else who does the same as me. I did that, and even using a cloth or a sleeve to open the doors. You rock dude.

Tihihi @copyrighting the phrase... (you need to come hang out here in good ol' England - you know you miss it. come on out)

>d® said...

>Msanii: I'm surprised I haven't developed a nervous tick after all the electrocution! I gave up on the ashyness tho; I'm like whateva man.

>Guess: That really did happen, and in that exact 'sequential sequence.' The crackle of that spark between the printer and his member was really loud, and usually the louder it is the more severe it is. I hope he didn't lose any 'feeling' as a result!
Ha ha, your sisters let you get all the zapping, huh? Pretty slick of them!
I think that pick-up line would work, for real. I'll put it to the test, making sure I'm sufficiently charged first by taking my sweatshirt off or something of the sort! I think I would at least get a smile out of it.

>d® said...

>BJ: Wsup man, hope your weekend's OK too. Yeah, "Furaiday" - nothing like it!

>Keguro: Believe me man, I've tried all those 'preventative measures.' The only one that seems to work is holding a metal part of the car door before I get out. The rubbing against the wall helps some but more often than not results in less severe zaps, as in I get zapped a little when I touch the wall and a little when I touch the door. Decisions, decisions - to be zapped once, and good, or twice?
Suggested porn movie titles from my 'member statement:
- The Member Zappers
- [or better yet] Member Zappers Anonymous
- "We will, we will zap you"
- How the member got his zap back

[The best title I ever heard, from Steve Harvey or Cedric, I forget who, was "Saving Ryan's Privates."]

mutumia said...

re Saving Ryan's Privates:

Independence Day: In.Rear.End.ence day
Ally McBeal: Ally McFeel
Interview with a Vampire: Interview with a Vibrator

and my fave...

Mad Max beyond Thunderdome: Mad jack beyond Thunderbone

not to forget the also runs... "Texas Chainsaw vibrator" ; "Tails from the cl*t" and so on and so forth...

he he he who's got too much time on her hands.......

>d® said...

>Mutumia: 2xLOL @ "Tails from the cl*t."

Tried to think of more naughty titles but I'm stymied. Any more where those came from?

Loonies Nurse said...

No it was Shaving Ryan's Privates ...

I dont know what everybody ate over the weekend, or drank or smoked, but everywhere I turn in blogland everyone has gone Mental - Jeez starting with a certain Mutumia . LOL

"to be zapped once, and good, or twice?"... LMAO

You cannot use that pickup line with your shirt off >d, not with your ashy (probably skinny) arms and back - wouldnt work believe me :)

You have all officially gone mad...

>d® said...

>Loonies Nurse: G, the only intoxication I got was some flu relief stuff. Yeah, blogville was pretty naughty this past weekend. I like.

Oh, SHAVING Ryan's Privates! How about:
'40 First D*cks?'

Anonymous said...

hello >d

what did everyone drink,eat over the weekend??
this blog is off the hook! keep it up my man.

the zap thing I feel you.
the pickup line no way, yeah a smile you might get but in her mind it will be, I wonder if he knows his zipper is opened LOL!!!

Prousette said...

this was about static and the agony it causes but now it seems shaving ryan's privates has overtaken the zapping.
the signs of the end times indeed.

>d® said...

>Anonymous: Thanks 4 checking in. Yeah, this past weekend must've been off the chain for a lot of bloggers!

I still insist the pick-up line would work tho, zipper open, back ashy and all!

>d® said...

>Prou: I hope Ryan's privates don't get zapped while he's getting shaven!

mutumia said...

It's a knack for pornolizing any and which title--- *taking a bow* thank you very much.... eh... Snatch Adams? (Do you like that daddy?) ama Throbbin Hood (you soo like that)

*cue cheesy porn music by the one and only Msanii XL- which could be a pornoblogtized title as well)....

My apologies to all those who stayed for the static comments. In my defense, Keguro and >d started it!)

>d® said...

>Mutumia: Oh my gosh, you're killing me! Snatch Adams?! Throbbin Hood?! You do have a knack for this!

Tee J said...

That was too funny coz it's soo true. Yani i don't even notice the zaps anymore. It has become a part of the day kawa thing. The 'member' one was too funny. The day I'll see it happen to a dude here at work I will lmao coz I know i'll remember this post and think 'kumbe D was for real'. I'll be on the lookout I tell ya!

Whispering Inn said...

@ “Dang, I can already feel the electricity between us.” - Classic!
I get zapped too! When I exit my car and touch something (esp. car door)....zap!
Funny post!

Acolyte said...

You are not the only one with that problem!I get shocked so often that I have taken to opening doors with my hand wrapped around my sweatshirt sleave making me look like I have OCD!As for the member being shocked that was damn funny.Anyway back to Mutumia and co spreading smut!BTW:Pass by my blog I have just tagged you!

Anonymous said...

Speaking of pornolizing things I tend to stick to the classics, for example, stories we all know.. Goldilocks becomes GoldiCocks and I will not even get into Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs, I will however give you a hint-the 7 signifies the types of outstanding members. Oh Shush! You're all thinking it anyway.
-About lotioning your back, get someone else to do it for you.
-About the line, whatever happened to Hello, My name is >D. What's your name?
CK

>d® said...

>CK: Good call not getting into the Snow White tip. I know some bloggers - y'all know who you are - that would have a field day with that one!

The intro comes later, after the smile [or sneer] resulting from my line. I realize introducing oneself first is the proper protocol but I try to deviate from the norm!

your man in potato-land said...

D, you are a damn fool. I'm in here in the computer lab cracking up. I've never read any Dean Koontz, but it would seem that both of you share a similar passion.

>d® said...

>Potato-Land: Thanks for checking in. Nah, Koontz is in a world of his own. Smart as a whip tho, I think. His own father tried to kill him once! No wonder he's so out there.

Yeah, static is no joke. If I had a pacemaker I'd probably be done for!
[No offense to anyone that might be wearing one.]

laminator said...

I really did enjoy your info. Cool comments. Have a great day.

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