INCARCERATION PART II

Previously on Incarceration part one: d-money is thrown into the slammer before he realizes it.

…… I was literally shoved through a door right by the stand which led to a temporary jail right by the courtroom, though the décor was starkly different. In the place of the wood paneling in the courtroom was cold, hard concrete covered by dirty white paint with obscene graffiti scratched into the paintwork.

One of wardens was 2 paces behind me literally breathing down my neck. He was wearing a turd-brown uniform and a shiny gold badge. He had all the usual accessories except, interestingly, the 9mm. Perpetrators must’ve tried to yank those gats out of desperation before coz ain’t no way an American cop can walk around all willy-nilly, as Cedric The Entertainer might say, without wearing their gats. They love them things. The warden was old too and a little on the chubby side - I could’ve whopped his ass. I only had to be behind bars one day though so it was all good.

He had me face the wall right next to the cell and made me assume the position as he donned a pair of blue latex gloves. Oh no, here comes the body cavity search, I thought. There isn’t a man alive – a straight man anyway - that doesn’t cringe at the thought of a body cavity search. Thankfully, that wasn’t the warden’s intention. He did, however, make me remove everything that was in my pockets, then made doubly sure there was nothing left by frisking me neck down, everywhere. And when I say everywhere I mean everywhere. Need I elaborate? He then made me take my belt off and the laces off my sneakers. When he was satisfied I was clean he put everything in a see-thru plastic bag and pushed me into the actual cell in which there was only a concrete bench and a stainless-steel toilet. Soon as I sat on the bench, he sneered at me and slammed the sliding steel door shut with a resounding bang, as if to accentuate the finality of the matter. Punk.

There was another cell next to mine and in it were 2 other guys, one Korean and the other Mexican. I was all alone in mine, but that’s good. Apparently they’d been sitting in there for a while coz as soon as the warden left the Korean let out this long sigh and said something to the effect of it’s boring as $hit in here. And it was. I was only in there 15 minutes, 20 minutes tops and was bored stiff. It was cold and damp in there too and smelled of piss – no surprise with the toilet 3 feet away. The stainless steel didn’t sparkle either, if you catch my drift. On it was a mosaic of yellow splatters and streaks; I didn’t even wanna think about what could’ve caused those discolorations.

2 big-ass wardens finally came through. One exuberantly announced that it was time for us to go to the big house. That’s when the little Korean dude got up and took a piss in the toilet and one of the wardens was like what if I told you to stop now? Despite myself I laughed over that one. The Mexican and I were already out the cells when the Korean dude finally came out. One of the wardens berated him for not washing his hands and dude literally jumped back into the cell and washed his hands at the water fountain.
That’s another thing – the water fountain was right above the toilet bowl – I kid you not. I was thirsty as a mug later and had to have some of that piss-flavored water in the big house. Not fun.

I ramble – allow me to proceed. They cuffed all 3 of us together and we took this one elevator, got off and walked for like 3 minutes then got onto another elevator and this one opened up to the big house. First thing I saw as we were herded along were scruffy-looking people in this one cell wearing blue jumpsuits looking at us disinterestedly. We were poked and prodded toward this desk where we checked in. That lady was the only nice official in the whole joint. She called me ‘sir’ and politely asked me how to pronounce my last name and even cracked a joke. The rest of them were barking everything out and shoving us around. Punks.

Anyhow, after the checking in we were shoved into some half-open rooms right next to the main jails. There they did another body search, and this one was even more thorough. I even had to take my socks off and show the dude the soles of my feet! He then took both my sneakers and inspected them thoroughly, then made me take off my shirt and wife-beater and shook ‘em off. Alright already, I was thinking. The Korean and Mexican dudes were enduring the same humiliation, apparently. The Mexicano was a pretty-boy. He wouldn’t last a day in the feds, I was thinking. They’d make him wear a cheerleader’s skirt and pom-poms and clear heels. As in this dude had shoulder-length hair that was obviously ‘did,’ was clean-shaven and had polished teeth. He even had brown streaks in his hair, for crying out loud! Dude, you better stay clean coz if you ever go to the feds those female-deprived inmates doing 20-to-life would have a field day with you! Don’t drop the soap homie! The Korean dude was your typical Korean, short in stature and talked all the time. Felt sorry for him though coz he was gonna be in there for a while. I think he was driving drunk – for the second time though, and he’d totaled his 325i beamer. Wow.

Then we went for the ‘photo shoot.’ They had this multi-megapixel camera that looked pricey, sitting all nice and pretty on a titanium tripod. Nice way to spend taxpayers’ money, huh? A $125 3-megapixel camera would’ve been sufficient, don’t you think? I was tempted to strike a pose or raise one eyebrow like The Rock but it was no time for horseplay. Besides, blockhead the warden was right there at my right flank.

Finally we were thrown into the big house. It’s a reasonably large room – for 5 people. There was at least 20 people in that joint at any one time though, coz people came and went. Keep in mind there were no windows, only one door and there weren’t enough seats. There were only 10 seats in the room. The rest of the perpetrators were lying on the hard concrete using their shoes as pillows and some were even knocked out in that position, snoring and $hit – I don’t how they could sleep like that. I was fortunate enough to get a seat but it was hard as anything. Not only that, but the toilet was in one corner of the room and all the sounds and odors associated with it were close enough to make it obvious just what was going on in there. Most of the people went in there and did the thug thizzle like it was nothing.

I’m lucky I didn’t need to go #2 since I hadn’t eaten all day long. I just hadn’t had the time to so I was famished by midday, 15 minutes after getting into the main cell. Blockhead and another warden brought lunch which consisted of 2 sandwiches: each 2 slices of bologna between 2 slices of white bread. There was also a quart of 2% pasteurized milk. [I even checked the expiration date on the milk. Old habits die hard, I guess.] Everything was in an opaque brown bag which was tossed to every inmate. I was like hell to the no, I’m not eating this $hit. All I did was drink the milk. By 5 o’clock though I was literally digesting my insides and would’ve started gnawing at one of the steel bars if blockhead hadn’t shown up again with his loyal sidekick and started tossing ‘dinner’ around again. You guessed it - 2 bologna sandwiches and a quart of 2% milk. I didn’t wanna know this time around and I crushed those 2 sandwiches in a flash. They hit the spot too and I finally managed to doze off leaning against the wall. I kept waking up though coz blockhead kept opening and shutting that steel door every 20 minutes, yelling and $hit. Hot damn, keep it down to a dull roar, I was thinking!

And that’s how the rest of the evening passed. There was a TV in there though and that helped some, but it was so small and the volume was turned down so low I couldn’t hear anything. Ever tried watching The Simpsons without any sound? I never did before then. It sucks. Then blockhead tuned in to TNT but all that was on was some NASCAR Award shiznit. NASCAR sucks. Going round a track 500 times doesn’t constitute racing in my books. Formula one and Rallying are real racing; separates the men from the boys. I was dozing off in a quick minute soon as the NASCAR stuff came on.

At midnight is when the real $hit started. They started filling the cells up with the real degenerates – the drunk, the homeless, the high, the drug dealers, the hookers, [Not in the male cells though, damn. Just kidding.] the pimps, the drunk drivers and the like. With every new degenerate the filth, the heat and the stench escalated. The place absolutely reeked. It was so hot, so damn hot. That’s when I was glad I’d dressed down. If I’d been stuck in there with dress clothes on it would’ve been much worse. Everyone reeked in there. Then some drunken dude threw up on one of the seats then sat on the throw-up like it was nothing. Then he got knocked the buck out and then pissed all over himself too! Wow. Then this fine chick was getting booked – we could see it all – and all the sleazes went to the side nearest her to leer. I must admit I was doing it too but hey, there’s something about being in County that reduces one to a primal state. Kill or be killed. Eat or be eaten. Be the first to get with the girl. Survival for the fittest, whatever you wanna call it.

Honestly, I don’t know how I lasted till morning. After what seemed like a lifetime, blockhead [was he working multiple shifts?] came through and pulled a few of us out of there. I wanted to hug him, 4 real. [Yeah, right. That would’ve sent me back in there. They warned us about touching them – an absolute nono.] After returning our belongings and making us sign stuff stating that we got all our stuff back we were outa there. I felt like kissing the ground when I stepped out the building, 4 real. I felt like singing, such was the relief.

I can go on and on about the experience but bottom line is, don’t, repeat DON’T, get caught speeding in Fairfax County, Virginia. They’re building a couple of hundred new cells so you know there’s space for your sorry ass if you’re unfortunate enough to get incarcerated! I need to join SCCA [Sports Car Club of America] or something so I can go to the track, get my rocks off and chill out the rest of the time. I’m not trying to get back in there, hell to the no!