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Laid back; chilled out.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

MEET THE PARENT - AND THE CRAZY CUZ.

Hot damn, time really does blow by. I can hardly believe my lil' cuz [well, my cousin's daughter] is about to be 19 in a few short months. In my mind she's still that little girl who shadowed me everywhere, the little girl who would be pounding on my door at 7am Saturday mornings when she woke up, the little girl I took to basketball games and track meets, the little girl who cried on my shoulder when her sorry excuse for a dad beat on her Mom. But that's another story.

More than all this, I can't believe she has a boyfriend. And I can't believe dude is going over to their house for dinner tonight. Needless to say, I'm going over there right after work in vull vorce, if only to satisfy my curiosity, if not to let dude know he's got her big brother figure to contend with. I've been thinking about all kinds of ways to terrorize that young dude, and I'm rather amused at some of the things I'm considering doing or saying:

- Flick open my switchblade at the dinner table and casually pick my fingernails with it

- Find and wear my long-lost skully, slap on some fake tatoos that read something to the effect of: I'd kill you, yes, YOU, for my family

- Borrow my boy's [legal] handgun, wipe it down & ask dude to hold it. Then I'd take it back, wearing latex gloves this time around, then gingerly wrap it in today's paper and walk away - with his fingerprints on the gun

- Pull a Bad Boys 2 stunt: When he knocks I'd open the door in my wife-beater, slam the door hard against the wall, walk up to him, mean-muggin' all the while, and be like: WHO THE F*CK ARE YOU?!

- Ask him if he's circumcised. Then ask him whether his family has a history of mental illness

- Insist on sitting right next to him on the couch. Lick my lips every time I look at him

- Tell him how I just got released from County for putting lil' cuz's last boyfriend in the hospital


***********

As you can see, I'm rather enjoying this. I wonder what else can I do to freak dude out tho. Hmmm...

4 comments:

D said...

I'm w/ the Bad Boys Interrogation...that mess was hilarious. Props to Mike "Lawry" n em.

cbthree said...

u might want to see the boy first, he might be some rugby-player-real-tattoo type who'll end up scaring YOU! i mean for him to WILLINGLY meet the family at age 19!!! must be something very wrong with him, no?

>d® said...

>D: Yeah, that was real funny, 'Lawry' talkin 'bout:
"How old are you?... Negro you at least 30!"

Congratulations & Happy B-Day all rolled into one.

>CB3: Interesting you should say that, coz dude is pretty big. Seems like a good dude tho. Either that or lil' cuz warned him about my - how do I put this - overwhelming protectiveness.

d'moiselle said...

duuude... enuff already!
ROTFL
i'd keep me sons AND daughters away from you