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Laid back; chilled out.

Monday, December 04, 2006

NEGRO, PLEASE.

Before I even say anything, two things: [These might be general, but they also might be very specific.]

- Please, don’t try & play the player. It’ll all come back and bite you in the rear.
- You can’t always have it your way. Don’t get it awry; show me the highway.

Now that that’s over with, let’s go back to our regularly scheduled programming, shall we?

Or not.

See, I’d like to think that I’m accommodating and rational, like Princess, but some things are a bit much. Imma be like the Acolyte for a minute and not give a damn.

Where does the coolness end and the idiocy begin? Lately there seems to be a fine line between the two. As usual, allow me to expound on it.

This past summer I was hanging out with Udi’s fam in NY. There we were, smack in the middle of the chaos that is Times Square, when we noticed this red Ferrari. It was a beauty, impossible to miss. Sure enough lots of people, particularly those camera-happy Japanese tourists, kept snapping pictures of it. Its owner, some young white-boy, was leaning against the passenger-side door smoking a cigarette, trying to look like he didn’t notice all the fuss, until someone [accidentally?] touched the car and yo, he went ballistic.
“Hey,” he yelled at the unfortunate victim. “Don’t scratch my sh*t!!”
Now, how’s he gonna do that? Sure, it’s a Ferrari and yes, it costs about as much as a townhouse but damn, just politely tell someone not to touch it, and only yell if they keep doing it!

Sometime ago, when CK’s gait was reminiscent of Long John Silver’s, [my bad! :)] she and I and a bunch of others went to a bar of sorts. We got some drinks and went to the pool area where this one dude started talking to us. He’d had 2 too many and we could tell, but he was coherent enough. Maybe he was trying to impress CK or ‘honey’ or whoever but in 5 minutes flat, and I kid you not, we learned that he worked at some nuclear plant, drove a House and lived in a 3-level house with a 25-acre yard. Was that really necessary? Do people really do that, brag about possessions to lure in the opposite sex? Maybe it’s becoz I don’t own sh*t that I don’t understand it, but a man needs some mystery about him, I say!

Do I dare venture closer to home? F*ck it, I dare.
Why is it that when there’s a major Kenyan bash all these cats show up in all these expensive, and rented, whips? Don’t get me wrong, I know chics pay attention to what a man drives, and it’s good that you want to step your game up a notch; I ain’t mad atcha. Dude, unless your intention is to hit it and quit it, why front? Shoot, I’d hate to think someone would like me just because of my car. [Not that I have that problem, coz my bucket isn’t exactly a chic-magnet!]

Diddy has like 10 different cellies, and I understand. He’s a businessman and is constantly making and receiving calls, emails and such. President Carter – same scenario, same as Trump and the like. Most importantly, you almost never see them wearing that pesky Bluetooth headset. Why not? It’s completely unnecessary.
Now, it’s perfectly sensible to attach that godforsaken device while driving or cooking or doing some other task that necessitates the use of both hands, but why wear it in the club? Dude, [pronounce this like a white-boy would] you can’t hear sh*t! Either that or the person at the other end doesn’t either! Why clip it to your ear?

And while we’re at it, take those damn shades off too. True, they’re Versace or Gucci, but it’s dark as hell in the club! Take them damn things off!

Being African has its advantages. For one, we African men have a repertoire, myth or not, of packing considerable clout between our legs. I’ve seen some local chics dismiss me as African American at first, only for me to peep that wicked glint in their eye when they learn I’m Kenyan, coz I publicize that fact when necessary.
The size of the male package is directly dependent on divine intervention or is in the genes, unless you believe in those pop-ups that read: ‘Want a bigger penis?’
Now, how’re you gonna brag to homegirl about how much meat you’re packing? That’s setting yourself up! She might unwrap the package only to be like
WTF?! Keep your damn mouth shut and let her be surprised, damnit!

Alright, I think I’m done with my little outburst. Back to being the >d® y'all know and [hopefully] love.

24 comments:

Kabinti said...

I so feel you on that bluetooth thing! It's so irritating when a jamaa approaches you with that damn thing flashing in the ear!!

ck said...

I have one question for you.. How you gonna do me like that son? It is not my fault I tend to break limbs like I was made of glass!

Coz we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. This Ultra feminine chic (the kind that makes the rest of us feel bad about being female) comes in with a pair of $450.00 Coach (I think) sunglasses and proceeds to ask all around if they liked them. [We have the same position so what is she doing to afford that much on "Shades"?]

Anyway, they did not look any different from the $20.00 street kind I had seen a week earlier. Let's just say she did not like my response. Show off around me and you are bound to get your feelings hurt up! Unnecessary!!

>d® said...

I can only imagine! That blue flash [almost] makes me wanna punch something!

>d® said...

>CK: Couldn't resist, what can I say. I never could fathom how you made it up your crip every day, stairs and all!
Notice how I slipped in the honey bit?
$450?! Decisions decisions - car-note or shades? That's strait ridiculous!

ck said...

Dealing with those damn stairs... sheer determination and fear of sitting in the house! eek! Honey! I noticed and tried to ignore that! Americans are a strange breed of human. They tell errrthin! My favourite phrase... TMI (Too much F*ing Info)!!

egm said...

Like you, I fail to understand what telling someone what I own has to do with anything. One time a cousin of mine and I were joking this fetish with things might lead one to get contact lenses with some sort of logo, eg the Nike swoosh. Such is the extent some people will go to show off.

As for the bluetooth thingie, there was a time kabla they became as common as sodium chloride in our world's oceans that I was thinking of getting one. Good thing I did not, cause now it appears like you are naked without them, the way some people are attached to them!

There's much mind boggling that goes on around, so rant away...

>d® said...

I believe the condition, which I also suffer from, though not medically interpreted yet, I believe, is borderline claustrophobia.

Funny - your definition of TMI.

Tru tho - they tell 'errrthin.' [OMG! U killed Kenny, you bastard!]

>d® said...

>EGM: Contacts with the Nike swoosh?! God forbid! How about Gucci or Louis Vuitton tattoos or something just as crazy? *shudder*

Ha ha, you're right; that Bluetooth is old news! I try not to talk on the phone while driving, or I'd probably need it! [thank God!]

egm said...

And you know the crazy thing is, this is free advertisement you are giving these companies. If these people sporting these incredulous items were smart, they would be charging these big name designers megabucks for parading their wares. Instead they are coughing up megabucks to the poor house trying to impress no one, all while Gucci and the likes laugh all the way to the bank.

>d® said...

Sad thing is, I see some hindiots out there doing something like that.
Like, Master P, in one of his videos, had a Benz with Gucci upholstery in it. Why?!
If dude had thought it thru, he'd have put his No Limit logo all over everything, kinda like Russell Simmons has the Phat Farm logo all over him!

Half 'n' half said...

Sometimes it is necessary to broadcast what you have because why lie, some chicks are very attracted to what a man owns (please note that I did not say they are attracted to the man) otherwise why would anyone go out with Lil Wayne for example. LOL

Great observations. And about the size, my brothers around here are rumoured to be way ahead of everyone else!

>d® said...

I guess that's true coz really, even I might see someone else's house or whip and be like hmmm, she/he must be making decent change. Whatever works, right?

As for the size thing, I'll take your word for it! :)

Ciiku said...

ha ha
TRUE STORY.

Last night, Im walking to the car. Its like 8.30 PM. I stop at a light. This akataa mama in the car... with shades on.

tsk tsk.
Damn shame.
*SMH*

Its bad to drop out of school. Thats all I gotsa say!

Anonymous said...

love your blog, have not been reading it for a while but am caught up now..

I agree with the shades in the clubs, you think you look cool but your Ghetto. on the other hand do you watch the music awards(BET, MTV) all those with shades cammon, in doors.

Acolyte said...

Auuuuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How could I miss this gathering of my fellow cynics!
First things first, that dude most prob hasnt had that ferrari for very long and is using it to make up for the fact he doesnt have much of a personality and any real pals.
Real ballers let their manner speak for them.Once you have to talk about how much you have that just means you have no game.
As for Kenyan bashes, the bigger they are the less likely I am to go.Too much drama and upuzi.That mambo of renting whips only attracts gold diggers, nothing else.Plus as soon as she doesnt see you with it the next week, she's gone.If my mdomo and style cant do it for me, wacha akae!
Unless your hands are busy, you dont need a bluetooth.You dont need it in the club at all, those are the same idiots who wear shades in the club.
$450 shades, these are the same muppets who have no 401k plans and are overdrawn at the bank.
Being African has it's advantages with the mamas.But as you said, the more advertising you have to do; the more lacking you are!

>d® said...

>Ciiku: 8:30pm?! Especially considering the fact that it gets dark by like 5:30? I'll be!

>Anon: Yup, seems like very other celeb & their mama has shades on - hindiots. The only ones that NEED shades on are Kci & Jojo; they need to cover those eyes up!

>Aco: Loving your animated GIF by the way.
Nicely put. And yeah, some, if not most, Kenyan bashes always end up badly - pisses me off to no end.

Udi said...

I love my bluetooth and Shades. I have to floss. Its part of being a jango. But do I say

>d® said...

Ha ha! So, you're gonna tell me next that you work at a nuclear plant too, huh?

Princess said...

The shades thing irritates me to no end. The other day I was at the hair salon and this girl showed up in shades and kept them on..why wear sunglasses indoors? Oh well...different strokes for different folks.

BTW...I am not always accomodating..I have a shit list and once people get on it, they stay there forever.

>d® said...

Do you perhaps employ the 3-strikes rule like LAPD? That's what it takes for me - cross me thrice & I quit being nice.

You'd think people would understand why they're called SUNglasses, eh?

gishungwa said...

Do people really do that, brag about possessions to lure in the opposite sex?
The answer is YES.I know that here most guys will tell youthir name plus where they work and the title like am tom iam the MD at such and such Co. dont understand how you manage to sneak in all your list of prossesions like the BMW 5 series that you just got LOL and the shades ad bluetooth Bah! wats with it.
Drives me nuts! About size its relative thas all am going to say.

Aegeus said...

Dude, that must be some skill, to drop all that in such a short time! For shame! African men being better endowed? I will agree with gishungwa on that one. Its all relative.

>d® said...

>Gish: Size is relative, huh? Hmmm....

>Aegeus: Relative? As in you don't miss what it is you never had?

Princess said...

Yes..I do in fact employ the three strikes rule believe it or not. It works for me though.